note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
