Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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