when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
