so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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