you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
