You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
