if you like me you must not know who I am
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
