discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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