I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
