U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
