I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I am naked and annoyed.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
