Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
