He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
wanna go halves on a baby?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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