Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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