she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
