And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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