his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
