I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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