Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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