I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
