So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
