Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you win again, gameday.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
