i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
