the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
