my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You pole danced in your parka.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
