he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
