New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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