Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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