Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
