I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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