so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
