you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
