Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
