Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
So much rum. So many feels.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
