i just had sex bonerless
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I think weed is turning my hair brown
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
