plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I am spending my child support on dildos
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
