Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
