the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
