My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
