I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
