I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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