someone get that fucking seahorse.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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