I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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