dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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