There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
