it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
