I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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