I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
