Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
