on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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